Why the Heart Aches
by Cheshire Pandacat
Summary: In the aftermath of Dream Drop Distance, Lea meets Roxas. One-shot, gen with AkuRoku undertones.


A/Ns: I wrote this for the AkuRoku Anthology on tumblr, but since that has unfortunately fallen through I'ma just go ahead and post it. :D

Disclaimer: do we seriously still need to do these or

Warning: Spoilers for Dream Drop Distance.

* * *

Why the Heart Aches

* * *

Lea collapsed on his bed in Yen Sid's tower, scrubbing a hand through his hair. This whole Keyblade Master deal was _exhausting, _and it had only been, what, a couple of days?

Today especially had been long and painful. Struggling and failing to summon a Keyblade at the last minute, rushing off to rescue Sora from becoming Xehanort's vessel, and then only to get him back comatose. The kid seriously needed to learn how to guard his Heart.

Riku'd managed to wake him up, at least. And upon opening his eyes and spotting Lea, Sora had thrown himself at him, excitedly cheering, "You're alive, you're alive!"

That had been pretty gratifying. The only way it could have been better was if…

"You're alive."

Lea bolted upright, head whipping back and forth.

Nothing. He was alone in his room. Of course he was; he hadn't heard the door open, or any telltale rustle of movement.

There was nobody there.

Nobody…

Lea closed his eyes. Shiny new Heart aching with hope, he smirked and drawled, "Well, I did say we'd meet again in the next life."

As the silent minutes passed, the hope twisted and faded. Lea drew one leg up against his chest and slung an arm over his knee, staring darkly at the bed.

Idiot. Of course he'd just been hearing things. Wishful thinking. What was left of Roxas had merged with Sora, probably never to be seen again.

Oh, how Lea wished he could, though.

"You were the one who was supposed to have a next life," Lea whispered bitterly. "Not me. But here I am, and you're… not. Ah, Roxas…"

"Axel said that."

Lea's head snapped up. There was a faint outline, leaning back against the wall, that gradually filled in to become Roxas, his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes were closed, his expression resigned.

Lea wanted to lurch to his feet and rush to his side, but Roxas was still transparent, and he didn't want to risk any action that might cause him to vanish.

Then Roxas' words sunk in, and Lea frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Axel said he'd meet me in the next life," Roxas said quietly, opening his eyes. The gaze that pierced through Lea was cold and accusatory. "Not you."

_Not you. _The words dug into Lea's Heart as if they were claws, tearing rents for doubt and loss to worm their way in. _Not you. Not you. Not you._

Lea scratched the back of his head, smiling ruefully. He hoped it was a smile, anyway. "You say that, but I remember it like it was me, Roxas."

"Is that so?" Roxas murmured, more to himself than to Lea. "I see."

Lea sat up straighter as Roxas uncrossed his arms and walked over, sitting down on the edge of the bed. He leaned back, palms on the bed behind him propping him up, and kicked his legs, staring off into the distance.

Lea watched carefully – Roxas was still transparent, but he was definitely leaving an indent in the sheets. Not as much of one as he should, but…

Unable to help himself, yearning caught in his throat, Lea reached forward.

His hand passed through Roxas' shoulder. Lea let out a hissing breath of pain and disappointment, snatching his hand back as if he'd been burned.

Roxas glanced at him. "I don't know if I can be solid. It's hard enough being here at all. I'll keep trying, though."

"Why _are_ you here, Roxas?" Lea asked.

Roxas' eyes slid away again, a bitter smile on his lips. "I wanted to see Axel."

_I wanted to see Roxas._

Man, that felt like a punch in the gut. Why had he ever wanted one of these damn Hearts, anyway?

Lea chuckled humorlessly, running a hand through his hair. "Sorry to disappoint, I guess."

Everyone else had called him Axel. Wouldn't _stop _calling him Axel. So why was the one person he wanted to use that name, saying it as if he were talking about someone else?

Roxas was silent for a minute, then shook his head. "I'm not disappointed. You're not Axel, but he's a part of you. You remember him. And so do I. That's what's important."

Lea inhaled sharply, not sure why that stung as much as it soothed. "Does Sora – "

Roxas shot him a quick smile. "He remembers me now. I guess that's one thing to thank Xehanort for," he went on absently, crossing one leg over the other. "Because of what he did, I got to talk to Sora, and make him remember me."

"Just because you benefited from what he did doesn't mean you should thank him for it," Lea said sourly. That old man had corrupted Isa, used the Organization, toyed with and manipulated everyone until their Hearts were riddled with scars. As far as Lea was concerned, he didn't deserve anything but a heaping helping of vengeance.

"How is it that a Nobody is more willing to forgive than a Somebody?" Roxas asked dryly.

"Nobody or Somebody, you're a better person than I am, Roxas," Lea said. "Always have been, always will be."

The glimmer of humor faded from Roxas' expression, and he regarded Lea solemnly, eyebrows drawing together. "Lea – "

Apparently without thinking about it, Roxas reached out to Lea, and his palm settled on Lea's cheek.

Lea's breath hitched.

He could feel it. The cool leather glove, the pressure of Roxas' hand on his face.

Roxas was here. He was really, truly here.

As that sank in, Roxas finally solidified fully. Lea threw his arms around Roxas' neck, pulling him in close as he buried his face in his best friend's hair.

"I missed you," Lea whispered, heat pricking at the corner of his eyes. "I missed you so much, Roxas."

Roxas went still, neither pulling away nor returning the embrace.

"Lea," he said simply, "this is the first time we've met."

Lea jerked as if he'd been slapped, then seized Roxas by the shoulders and held him at arm's length, teeth bared into a snarl.

"Stop – stop _talking _like that! That's not how it feels to me, okay? I don't get all this existential bullshit all the rest of you keep tossing around. All I know is I remember being Axel, I remember being part of the Organization, I remember chasing down my best friend's Other for the shadow of a chance of seeing him again, I _died _trying to find you, dammit, Roxas! And now you're finally here in front of me, I can see you, hear you, _feel _you, and you're treating me like I'm some fucking stranger!"

Lea shifted onto his knees, bending until his forehead was braced against Roxas' collarbone. "Is this my punishment?" he asked, closing his eyes to block the tears. "For being a shitty friend? For failing you?"

There was a beat of silence. Roxas had passively endured being grabbed by Lea. Now, he placed his hands on Lea's cheeks, lifting the taller man's face until their eyes met.

Deep blue eyes bored into green, searching intently.

Roxas' expression twisted with inner conflict. Lea could only watch and wonder just what the kid was struggling with.

"Is it really okay?" Roxas whispered at last. "If I treat you as being the same… could Axel really forgive me for that?" Eyes going glassy, he let out a short, helpless laugh, and said, "That would make me such a hypocrite, you know?"

Lea's eyes widened.

For Roxas' sake, he tried to take a step back from his knee-jerk reaction and give it some serious thought.

_Was _it really okay? For Roxas to treat Lea-the-Somebody the same as Axel-the-Nobody? Was Lea just oblivious to what Axel would have wanted, because having a Heart made him different?

And he knew he wasn't the same. Sure, he remembered everything that had happened to him as Axel, but when he thought back on some of the choices Axel had made, he couldn't help but think, _That's not what I would have done._

As if it had been someone else calling the shots.

Lea tried to summon that frame of mind. That state of being. For Roxas.

And that's when he realized he already had his answer.

"If that's what it takes to be by your side, to be your friend again… yeah," Lea said. "I… no, Axel… at the end, you were all that mattered to him, Roxas. All he had left to fight for. This is what his efforts won, and I think he'd say it was worth it." He pressed his palms to Roxas' cheeks, mirroring the boy's grip on him. "If I can see you smile again, hear you laugh again… it's worth it."

The words felt right. Even if he and Axel weren't the same, he knew Axel would have agreed with him.

Roxas stared at him, then closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Lea's.

"Then… I wanted to say this to Axel, but…" Roxas took a deep breath and lifted his head again, earnest blue eyes above a sad smile. "Thank you. For looking for me, fighting for me. I wish I could stay. I want to eat ice cream with you again, and do even more things with you – go to the beach, go camping, watch fireworks. Live normal lives. Be best friends."

Lea choked back the urge to laugh, the urge to cry.

Roxas was beginning to fade again.

"Roxas – " Lea rasped, but Roxas cut him off.

"We might be able to do those things someday. Or maybe you'll get to do them with Sora. It might never happen. But regardless of what the future brings…"

Gently, Roxas pulled Lea's head down and forward, pressing a feather-light kiss to Lea's brow.

"You're my best friend," Roxas whispered, lips ghosting against Lea's skin. "And I'll never forgive you if you sacrifice yourself for someone else's sake again. There won't be any more next lives. I don't want to lose you. Not again, not _ever _again."

"I don't want to lose you either," Lea snarled, hands dropping to grab Roxas' collar. His fingers passed through it like smoke. "Don't disappear, _please._"

"I'm not," Roxas said, voice fading as much as his body was. "Even if you can't see me, I'm still here. In Sora's Heart… and in yours."

When Lea's eyes widened, Roxas smiled, and went on, "How else do you think I was able to be here like this? Sora left hours ago."

Lea couldn't hold back the tears anymore. "Roxas," he moaned.

Roxas gave him a bright, radiant grin. "See you later, Axel."

_See you later, Roxas._

Then he was gone.

Lea leaned back against the headboard and buried his face in his hands, body wracked with sobbing laughter.

Even as his Heart ached with sorrow, with loss, with yearning, Lea welcomed it. Because it meant Roxas was still with him.

Roxas would always be with him.

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End A/Ns: wow what a lame ending oh well


End file.
